The Return from Break Post

 

I hope everyone’s break went well… I know mine did, my family all had an excellent conversation about who had dated the most felons, and who could burp the Star Spangled Banner the best… I failed in both challenges… which if you think about it makes me the real winner. But anyway, I guess I should post some tips to start the final stretch of the semester off for all of you, here is what I learned this past week in college… I went with 8 again because I think it is the appropriate length. As always address all hate mail, love letters, and cease and desist orders to thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com.

1. When you leave your roommate at home and come back and there is hat on your door don’t open the door… side effects may include nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, burnt corneas, and one hell of an awkward moment.
2. In beer pong the losers are the real winners.
3. Just like you should always wear shower shoes you should always wear shoes at fratt parties… always.
4. Drinking on a roof can be a fun and rewarding experience provided you do not fall off.
5. Remember when mom said no playing ball in the house, and remember when your R.A. said no hall sports? Yeah they had a reason for saying that.
6. If you constantly recognize people in the dining hall because you hooked up with them you might be a skank… but don’t worry I won’t judge you
7. Don’t smoke weed in your dorm room… it can set off the smoke alarm
8. Going through airport security still drunk from the night before is not a good idea… it sounds like a fine idea that night… but when its 4 AM and you are checking in for a 6AM flight you begin to reconsider

Bonus for Thanksgiving: You know how you can make beer can chicken… well your mom might get very VERY angry if you try and make beer can turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.

So there you have it, another free college education put out on the internet for all to see. I hope you enjoyed reading about my experiences and learn from the many mistakes I’ve made. Also you probably noticed the new look of the blog, I think it is easier to read, and looks a bit more polished... you asked for it we got it. Happy trails!

The Turkey Week Post

***New look same great taste***

Hello all we broke 3,000 views this past week which was pretty damn wicked. We also made it on to college acb because apparently this blog is offensive, to the loser with too much time on his hands that posted that thread in Cornell’s and every other Ivy’s acb I MAKE NO APOLOGY, however I do owe you a huge thanks you really boosted my view count. I hope everyone’s break goes well and that they keep in mind these things I learned this week. I’m going with 8 this week 5 was far too short and ten was a bit to long.

1. When consuming cereal beer is not an adequate substitute for milk
2. Tequila is kinda like a one night stand, that night you think it is greatest thing on the face of the earth, in the morning you hate it and want to throw up every time you see it.
3. Chemistry… wait didn’t learn that.
4. Jumping out of a townhouse window to avoid an RA is a painful fall 6 feet to the ground into rocks… but at least you won’t get written up.
5. If you are tired at a party just go to the laundry room and pile up a bunch of clothing, this will serve as an excellent expedient for a bed and will allow for a couple of hours of shut eye.
6. Do not put nair into your roommate’s shampoo… It sounds funny now but trust me it will not be funny tomorrow.
7. If you hear crazed screaming coming from the room of guys next to you, do not panic, no one is being religiously sacrificed or tortured; they are just playing Call of Duty
8. Don’t loft your bed too high, getting into it inebriated can become a perilous ordeal.

BONUS: For my fellow hotelies, make sure you take your No-Doz before Talbert’s class… wouldn’t want to be caught yawning… might have to get up and walk the hell out of class

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuLaQoQP9oo

So that was my weekend, I hope you guys enjoyed reading about it and share it with your friends.

The Sloppy Second Post

So the first post went over decently well, the thing got about 600 hits and some change. Thanks for showing it to people and spreading the word about it I really do appreciate it. What would also be wicked is if you could post feedback, either by commenting (there’s a little link at the bottom of this page that says comments, hit it and pour your soul out) or by emailing me at thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com. Also if you have any valuable lessons to share with the world email me, I will post em and give you credit, or if you choose I can post them anonymously as well. So here goes round two.

1. The likelihood of being vomited on is directly proportional to the cost of the clothing you are wearing.
2. Four loko is a bitch.
3. In college making out is like shaking hands.
4. If you can’t walk in heels sober you sure as shit aren’t gonna be able to do it plastered.
5. Getting hookups at toga parties is easy because you are already half naked.

I am currently planning on posting 5 valuable life lessons every week on the Sunday night after I make really bad decisions, before the five lessons there will also be a little “blurb” about whatever, it will usually make an attempt at being funny, albeit probably a failed one, but that shit’ll get an A for effort. if you think this format is shitty or whatever please let me know what you guys would prefer, I really do value reader feedback.

The First Post

Okay so I don't do shit like this, I don't "Blog" as people say, in fact I kinda see blogging as something that people who wear Tom's shoes and compost their own garbage and stuff like that do. I rock Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars, and am very guilty of not having a compost pile in by yard, but whatever I will give it a try. Here is my first post.

The Things I Have Learned in College

Next posting will be next Sunday night... now you can look forward to this blog and church!

You see I go to Cornell University, I pay somewhere around 50 grand a year to come study here and learn things so that someday I will be a successful person with a bunch of money and whatever bullshit your parents tell you about going to college. But the other day when I got my tuition bill in the mail I got to thinking, damn this is expensive and it’s not right that some people cannot afford to go to college and learn all the valuable things that I have learned so I thought hell why not just put it online, a free resource for all, kinda like in the movie Goodwill Hunting where Will totally annihilates the douchebag in the bar with all of the great shit he taught himself by reading… but less profound, and dispensed weekly in a blog. So here it is, the infinite knowledge and wisdom of Tina Trillium (yeah… that’s a fake name, gotta make the parents proud).

1. If you have to stomp your clothing into the dryer the clothing will not get dry, similarly if you have to stomp your clothing into the washing machine and add twice the amount of detergent to account for such a large volume of beer soiled clothing your clothing will not get clean, it will come out with  a soapy film on it.
2. The free condoms they give you… low quality; cheaper to buy them in the first place and not spend 35 bucks on plan B
3. Milk will keep for like two weeks after the expiration date, if you lack olfactory organs have a strong stomach
4. That punch you had at that party… that was half everclear.
5. Don’t piss off your roommate… they can always rub your toothbrush on their feet
6. Get over shitting in public restrooms, everyone has to do it
7. Running barefoot from campus to college town can have negative impacts on your physical health... doing the walk of shame back barefoot... has negative effects on psychological and physical health
8. You can use vodka to sanitize wounds… it just hurts like a mother
9. Blenders must have lids on them before they are operated… they should also not be operated if one has a blood alcohol content of over .08
10. If you lose your pants, and your wallet is in your pants you must have lost your wallet