The Holiday Post

So I hope everyone had a really good Christmas and would like to wish everyone a happy Boxing Day (look it up)… If you are Jewish I hope Hanukah went well, if you are a Seinfeld fan I hope you had a nice Festivus. If I forgot any holidays please don’t sue me, just email me at thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com. Christmas at the Trillium household was insane as usual… uncle Bob pulled the pull my finger trick, I started a small fire, there was a major model train derailment, and mom got mad because I brought her crushed pineapple instead of pineapple rings… all that shit was the same I thought, crushed just happened to be cheaper so I picked up two cans. But anyway this weeks post is all about Christmas so I hope you enjoy it.

1. Giving your dad that tie you found at a frat party as a Christmas present is not classy.
2. Bonging eggnog then beer after eating a full Christmas dinner can result in some interesting vomit.
3. Sledding drunk is painful… but at least you will get some good stories
4. Warm leftover keystone does not make a good stocking stuffer
5. Christmas ornaments can be used as a festive substitute for ping pong balls in a game of beer pong
6. The most fun you can have around the holidays involves defiling Christmas themed lawn ornaments.
7. Having a party the day before Christmas eve and using the turkey to bowl down cans of food might make your mother angry.
8. If your mom sends you too the store for cranberries and you come back with chips and beer, she won’t be happy with you.
9. Highlight this post if you want to learn the horrible truth Santa is not real :(

Happy holidays everyone, party hard and tell me about it when you ring in the new year!

The Welcome Home Post

So I hope everyone had a safe trip home and is now with their friends and families enjoying all the holiday festivities and all that shit. My trip home was interesting, got stuck in Detroit for a little while, that was minorly unpleasant, but not half as bad as the trip back to Cornell from home; crying baby, vomiting seat mate, and a raging hangover. But anyway my friends all had great stories to share, so the blog will hopefully have enough steam to get itself through break.

1. If the fire alarm goes off and you don’t have a shirt on, put one on, the same goes for shoes; especially if it is 3:30 AM and below zero degrees outside.
2. All the free newspapers that various people on college campuses try to shove down your throat… keep one handy it can be put up as an instant shield against awkward moments that is even more effective at minimizing the likely hood of an awkward encounter than pretending to talk on your cell phone.
3. If a professor calls you up in front of your lecture of 300 people it is not a good time to try and be a comedian.
4. Shower shoes are like condoms… they keep you from developing suspicious rashes.
5. Just because your parents aren’t here and you can eat ice cream for breakfast doesn’t mean you should.
6. Before you put on a jacket you wore out the night before make sure you check the pockets for things like flasks, beer cans, or condom wrappers.
7. Drinking 4 mountain dews and a monster is not an effective way to study… it just makes you jittery
8. If you are kind enough to allow a drunk person to sleep in your bed be forewarned that they are far more likely to involuntarily urinate.

So there you have it, my last post from college for a while. I will no longer be writing these posts from my overly high lofted bed between intermittent interruptions from my roommate (just kidding roomie) but from my nice comfy bed at home, with all the privacy in the world. I hope everyone’s break goes well and that they get to relax after finals, as always email is thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com, and like us on facebook if you like us… like if you like us in like real life… its like that you know

The Things You Shouldn't Be Doing During Finals Week Post

 So finals week has arrived, I decided that I was going to be responsible and stay in on the weekends, not go out and just take care of myself… that lasted for about ten seconds… but at least I got some good blog material for all you guys, hope you enjoy it.

1. Beer is like a sports drink, it has water and carbs in it… therefore it is healthy.
2. Mixing Codeine, Adderal, and alcohol is not a good idea.
3. If you leave food out you will get fruit flies… you can get rid of them by spraying them with windex!
4. The old Bush beer ad that reads “A clean conscious is usually the sign of a boring weekend” yeah totally true.
5. When you come to college the food pyramid changes and you are left with 3 food groups; ramen, beer, and peanut butter.
6. Offering your professors or TAs sexual favors is NOT a surefire way to pass.
7. Trying to help a drunk person even when sober can cause bodily harm… drunk people can bite.
8. Those $100 dollar text books you bought are well worth the price, they can be used for a plethora of things such as; coasters, paperweights, bed raisers, stepstools, and self defense apparatus.

Alright, back to my hungover study session! Good luck on finals everyone I hope everyone has a great break and continues checking back as I will continue to update the blog over winter break. Thanks again for reading, like us on facebook.

The How to Have Fun in College Post

This post since we all are going to be going through the hell week of finals is all about having a good time in college. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that this weekend we went hard… It’s like Mardi Gras, you gotta get all the crazy out before lent starts. So anyway somewhere between the jello wresting, the ugly sweater party, and the dodgeball tournament I had a couple of epiphanies (yeah just like Dane Cook) and came up with a few lessons to post for this week. I hope you enjoy them and share with your friends, direct all correspondence to thingsilearendincollege@hotmail.com .

1.      A quick expedient for a beer pong table when in the dorms can be constructed by removing the closet doors and laying them on top of two chairs spaced 6 feet apart, be careful though, this table is not sturdy enough to sit on.

2.      Throwing up is just your body’s way of congratulating you for having an awesome fucking night.

3.      It isn’t alcoholism until you graduate.

4.      Peeing in a trash can is much more difficult than it looks… but hilarity will ensue

5.      Jello wrestling is fun and life enriching, just make sure you don’t get a little over excited and cause yourself or your friend bodily harm.

6.      Don’t try to act cool at parties, do what you want and be yourself unless of course that means going over to a random girl and shoving your hand down her pants… we don’t like that.

7.      Just because you don’t feel it that night doesn’t mean you aren’t gonna feel that shit the next morning, so you should enjoy the “not feeling it part” for as long as you can.

8.      Don’t take yourself so seriously when you are at a party… the next morning after seeing the pictures you won’t anyway.

Bonus geography lesson: Canada is like the loft above a real great party… Mexico is the basement where you buy drugs. Looky there this blog is getting educational.

So there you have it, we went hard and are ready for a week of hell. I hope you enjoy these and spread the word. Also if you wish we now have a Facebook page which can be found below.

The Return from Break Post

 

I hope everyone’s break went well… I know mine did, my family all had an excellent conversation about who had dated the most felons, and who could burp the Star Spangled Banner the best… I failed in both challenges… which if you think about it makes me the real winner. But anyway, I guess I should post some tips to start the final stretch of the semester off for all of you, here is what I learned this past week in college… I went with 8 again because I think it is the appropriate length. As always address all hate mail, love letters, and cease and desist orders to thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com.

1. When you leave your roommate at home and come back and there is hat on your door don’t open the door… side effects may include nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, burnt corneas, and one hell of an awkward moment.
2. In beer pong the losers are the real winners.
3. Just like you should always wear shower shoes you should always wear shoes at fratt parties… always.
4. Drinking on a roof can be a fun and rewarding experience provided you do not fall off.
5. Remember when mom said no playing ball in the house, and remember when your R.A. said no hall sports? Yeah they had a reason for saying that.
6. If you constantly recognize people in the dining hall because you hooked up with them you might be a skank… but don’t worry I won’t judge you
7. Don’t smoke weed in your dorm room… it can set off the smoke alarm
8. Going through airport security still drunk from the night before is not a good idea… it sounds like a fine idea that night… but when its 4 AM and you are checking in for a 6AM flight you begin to reconsider

Bonus for Thanksgiving: You know how you can make beer can chicken… well your mom might get very VERY angry if you try and make beer can turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.

So there you have it, another free college education put out on the internet for all to see. I hope you enjoyed reading about my experiences and learn from the many mistakes I’ve made. Also you probably noticed the new look of the blog, I think it is easier to read, and looks a bit more polished... you asked for it we got it. Happy trails!

The Turkey Week Post

***New look same great taste***

Hello all we broke 3,000 views this past week which was pretty damn wicked. We also made it on to college acb because apparently this blog is offensive, to the loser with too much time on his hands that posted that thread in Cornell’s and every other Ivy’s acb I MAKE NO APOLOGY, however I do owe you a huge thanks you really boosted my view count. I hope everyone’s break goes well and that they keep in mind these things I learned this week. I’m going with 8 this week 5 was far too short and ten was a bit to long.

1. When consuming cereal beer is not an adequate substitute for milk
2. Tequila is kinda like a one night stand, that night you think it is greatest thing on the face of the earth, in the morning you hate it and want to throw up every time you see it.
3. Chemistry… wait didn’t learn that.
4. Jumping out of a townhouse window to avoid an RA is a painful fall 6 feet to the ground into rocks… but at least you won’t get written up.
5. If you are tired at a party just go to the laundry room and pile up a bunch of clothing, this will serve as an excellent expedient for a bed and will allow for a couple of hours of shut eye.
6. Do not put nair into your roommate’s shampoo… It sounds funny now but trust me it will not be funny tomorrow.
7. If you hear crazed screaming coming from the room of guys next to you, do not panic, no one is being religiously sacrificed or tortured; they are just playing Call of Duty
8. Don’t loft your bed too high, getting into it inebriated can become a perilous ordeal.

BONUS: For my fellow hotelies, make sure you take your No-Doz before Talbert’s class… wouldn’t want to be caught yawning… might have to get up and walk the hell out of class

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuLaQoQP9oo

So that was my weekend, I hope you guys enjoyed reading about it and share it with your friends.

The Sloppy Second Post

So the first post went over decently well, the thing got about 600 hits and some change. Thanks for showing it to people and spreading the word about it I really do appreciate it. What would also be wicked is if you could post feedback, either by commenting (there’s a little link at the bottom of this page that says comments, hit it and pour your soul out) or by emailing me at thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com. Also if you have any valuable lessons to share with the world email me, I will post em and give you credit, or if you choose I can post them anonymously as well. So here goes round two.

1. The likelihood of being vomited on is directly proportional to the cost of the clothing you are wearing.
2. Four loko is a bitch.
3. In college making out is like shaking hands.
4. If you can’t walk in heels sober you sure as shit aren’t gonna be able to do it plastered.
5. Getting hookups at toga parties is easy because you are already half naked.

I am currently planning on posting 5 valuable life lessons every week on the Sunday night after I make really bad decisions, before the five lessons there will also be a little “blurb” about whatever, it will usually make an attempt at being funny, albeit probably a failed one, but that shit’ll get an A for effort. if you think this format is shitty or whatever please let me know what you guys would prefer, I really do value reader feedback.

The First Post

Okay so I don't do shit like this, I don't "Blog" as people say, in fact I kinda see blogging as something that people who wear Tom's shoes and compost their own garbage and stuff like that do. I rock Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars, and am very guilty of not having a compost pile in by yard, but whatever I will give it a try. Here is my first post.

The Things I Have Learned in College

Next posting will be next Sunday night... now you can look forward to this blog and church!

You see I go to Cornell University, I pay somewhere around 50 grand a year to come study here and learn things so that someday I will be a successful person with a bunch of money and whatever bullshit your parents tell you about going to college. But the other day when I got my tuition bill in the mail I got to thinking, damn this is expensive and it’s not right that some people cannot afford to go to college and learn all the valuable things that I have learned so I thought hell why not just put it online, a free resource for all, kinda like in the movie Goodwill Hunting where Will totally annihilates the douchebag in the bar with all of the great shit he taught himself by reading… but less profound, and dispensed weekly in a blog. So here it is, the infinite knowledge and wisdom of Tina Trillium (yeah… that’s a fake name, gotta make the parents proud).

1. If you have to stomp your clothing into the dryer the clothing will not get dry, similarly if you have to stomp your clothing into the washing machine and add twice the amount of detergent to account for such a large volume of beer soiled clothing your clothing will not get clean, it will come out with  a soapy film on it.
2. The free condoms they give you… low quality; cheaper to buy them in the first place and not spend 35 bucks on plan B
3. Milk will keep for like two weeks after the expiration date, if you lack olfactory organs have a strong stomach
4. That punch you had at that party… that was half everclear.
5. Don’t piss off your roommate… they can always rub your toothbrush on their feet
6. Get over shitting in public restrooms, everyone has to do it
7. Running barefoot from campus to college town can have negative impacts on your physical health... doing the walk of shame back barefoot... has negative effects on psychological and physical health
8. You can use vodka to sanitize wounds… it just hurts like a mother
9. Blenders must have lids on them before they are operated… they should also not be operated if one has a blood alcohol content of over .08
10. If you lose your pants, and your wallet is in your pants you must have lost your wallet