The Random Odds and Ends Post

So I’m sitting in PHL and got sick of people watching and throwing coins on the ground for small children… So I decided to write a blog post. Break is now over and I’m headed back up to Ithaca. I hope everyone has a safe trip and all that. This post is just miscellaneous shit I learned recently, it's not that funny sorry about that, I'm too hungover to care though so have fun.

1. In order to keep track of how much you have drank, you should carry a permanent marker in your pocket. Every time you take a drink put a tally mark on your arm.
2. The people at Wal-Mart will judge you if you go in drunk and ask them if they “serve” ping pong balls.
3. Another activity you should refrain from doing when drunk is ice skating.
4. Sleeping in a kayak isn’t comfortable, no matter how drunk you are.
5. Karaoke sounds bad even if you are sober... It’s only fun when your drunk because everything is funnier when you are drunk.
6. Do not drunk dial your mother, she will be disappointed.
7. Beer bottles do not break on the tops of bars like they do in the movies… instead they shatter in your hand.
8. Never lick a steak knife.

So there it is… another pretty lame one.

The “And Now Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Program” Post

Okay okay I know everyone was getting tired of those shitty holiday posts but seriously being back home is a lot less crazy than being at college… the population of kegs in my hometown is much lower than the population of kegs in the Cornell community. Then you have to add the fact that your parents are around you into the equation… my mom tried to give me a bed time the other day… WTF. And lastly I’ve just been trying to relax over break, it’s like a rehab detox type deal. But fear not, I still had some rough nights for you to laugh at so here it is, and enjoy.

1. Never iron pants when they are on you… need I explain this one more.
2. Much like books, sock have many more uses than they are intended to… they can be used to clean up spilled liquor, as napkins, and a signal that says DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR.
3. When preparing to pass out make sure in the words of Asher Roth “you don’t pass out with your shoes on” but what Asher didn’t tell you was pick a safe place to pass out… next to the hot water heater is not a safe place.
4. When you pop a champagne cork hold on to the damn thing… property damage may ensue if one does not heed this tip
5. Never cite Wikipedia in a paper… your grade will undoubtedly suffer.
6. Walking home in a t-shirt bra-less in 20 degree weather gives a whole new meaning to the term nipping.
7. Make sure your parents are NOT the last people you call before you go out to a party. If you lose your whoever finds it will most likely call them and assure them that the phone is safe and sound, and try to find the owners identity… too bad your parents thought you were safe and sound in your bed, enjoy explaining that one.
8. If you aren’t a dick to your RA they might just cut you some slack every now and then… that means no puking on their door.

Well this is my last post for break, so hopefully the shit I write is better than this crap. Send in your tips and complaints to thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com they are always appreciated. Also you can like up on facebook or some shit like that.

The New Years Resolutions Post

Okay guys this ones gonna be a little different, I’ve decided to make a list of the top 10 new years resolutions for college students, and how to reach those goals. The idea came to me on New Years eve… somewhere between passing out by the hot water heater and the table dance (not pretty FYI) I got to thinking, how can I improve myself in the new year. Actually that’s a bunch of bullshit, I was really thinking how do I do a new years themed blogpost?

Resolution 1: Get better grades
Solution 1: Drink less, study more.

Resolution 2: Become more popular
Solution 2: Drink more, stop leaving your hair in the sinks in the bathroom

Resolution 3:Become more healthy
Solution 3: Drink less, stop eating ramen and easy mac for every meal

Resolution 4: Increase alcohol tolerance
Solution 4: Drink more, drink often.

Resolution 5: Keep dorm clean
Solution 5: WTF Not possible, don’t even try… just drink more.

Resolution 6: Lose gut
Solution 6: Drink less, stop eating squeeze cheese out of a can, and eat a salad.

So there are a few of the college student’s new years resolutions, I personally think this post sucks but I wanted to try this out just to give some variety, you will be back to your regular scheduled program next Sunday. Email us at thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com

The Holiday Post

So I hope everyone had a really good Christmas and would like to wish everyone a happy Boxing Day (look it up)… If you are Jewish I hope Hanukah went well, if you are a Seinfeld fan I hope you had a nice Festivus. If I forgot any holidays please don’t sue me, just email me at thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com. Christmas at the Trillium household was insane as usual… uncle Bob pulled the pull my finger trick, I started a small fire, there was a major model train derailment, and mom got mad because I brought her crushed pineapple instead of pineapple rings… all that shit was the same I thought, crushed just happened to be cheaper so I picked up two cans. But anyway this weeks post is all about Christmas so I hope you enjoy it.

1. Giving your dad that tie you found at a frat party as a Christmas present is not classy.
2. Bonging eggnog then beer after eating a full Christmas dinner can result in some interesting vomit.
3. Sledding drunk is painful… but at least you will get some good stories
4. Warm leftover keystone does not make a good stocking stuffer
5. Christmas ornaments can be used as a festive substitute for ping pong balls in a game of beer pong
6. The most fun you can have around the holidays involves defiling Christmas themed lawn ornaments.
7. Having a party the day before Christmas eve and using the turkey to bowl down cans of food might make your mother angry.
8. If your mom sends you too the store for cranberries and you come back with chips and beer, she won’t be happy with you.
9. Highlight this post if you want to learn the horrible truth Santa is not real :(

Happy holidays everyone, party hard and tell me about it when you ring in the new year!

The Welcome Home Post

So I hope everyone had a safe trip home and is now with their friends and families enjoying all the holiday festivities and all that shit. My trip home was interesting, got stuck in Detroit for a little while, that was minorly unpleasant, but not half as bad as the trip back to Cornell from home; crying baby, vomiting seat mate, and a raging hangover. But anyway my friends all had great stories to share, so the blog will hopefully have enough steam to get itself through break.

1. If the fire alarm goes off and you don’t have a shirt on, put one on, the same goes for shoes; especially if it is 3:30 AM and below zero degrees outside.
2. All the free newspapers that various people on college campuses try to shove down your throat… keep one handy it can be put up as an instant shield against awkward moments that is even more effective at minimizing the likely hood of an awkward encounter than pretending to talk on your cell phone.
3. If a professor calls you up in front of your lecture of 300 people it is not a good time to try and be a comedian.
4. Shower shoes are like condoms… they keep you from developing suspicious rashes.
5. Just because your parents aren’t here and you can eat ice cream for breakfast doesn’t mean you should.
6. Before you put on a jacket you wore out the night before make sure you check the pockets for things like flasks, beer cans, or condom wrappers.
7. Drinking 4 mountain dews and a monster is not an effective way to study… it just makes you jittery
8. If you are kind enough to allow a drunk person to sleep in your bed be forewarned that they are far more likely to involuntarily urinate.

So there you have it, my last post from college for a while. I will no longer be writing these posts from my overly high lofted bed between intermittent interruptions from my roommate (just kidding roomie) but from my nice comfy bed at home, with all the privacy in the world. I hope everyone’s break goes well and that they get to relax after finals, as always email is thingsilearnedincollege@hotmail.com, and like us on facebook if you like us… like if you like us in like real life… its like that you know

The Things You Shouldn't Be Doing During Finals Week Post

 So finals week has arrived, I decided that I was going to be responsible and stay in on the weekends, not go out and just take care of myself… that lasted for about ten seconds… but at least I got some good blog material for all you guys, hope you enjoy it.

1. Beer is like a sports drink, it has water and carbs in it… therefore it is healthy.
2. Mixing Codeine, Adderal, and alcohol is not a good idea.
3. If you leave food out you will get fruit flies… you can get rid of them by spraying them with windex!
4. The old Bush beer ad that reads “A clean conscious is usually the sign of a boring weekend” yeah totally true.
5. When you come to college the food pyramid changes and you are left with 3 food groups; ramen, beer, and peanut butter.
6. Offering your professors or TAs sexual favors is NOT a surefire way to pass.
7. Trying to help a drunk person even when sober can cause bodily harm… drunk people can bite.
8. Those $100 dollar text books you bought are well worth the price, they can be used for a plethora of things such as; coasters, paperweights, bed raisers, stepstools, and self defense apparatus.

Alright, back to my hungover study session! Good luck on finals everyone I hope everyone has a great break and continues checking back as I will continue to update the blog over winter break. Thanks again for reading, like us on facebook.

The How to Have Fun in College Post

This post since we all are going to be going through the hell week of finals is all about having a good time in college. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that this weekend we went hard… It’s like Mardi Gras, you gotta get all the crazy out before lent starts. So anyway somewhere between the jello wresting, the ugly sweater party, and the dodgeball tournament I had a couple of epiphanies (yeah just like Dane Cook) and came up with a few lessons to post for this week. I hope you enjoy them and share with your friends, direct all correspondence to thingsilearendincollege@hotmail.com .

1.      A quick expedient for a beer pong table when in the dorms can be constructed by removing the closet doors and laying them on top of two chairs spaced 6 feet apart, be careful though, this table is not sturdy enough to sit on.

2.      Throwing up is just your body’s way of congratulating you for having an awesome fucking night.

3.      It isn’t alcoholism until you graduate.

4.      Peeing in a trash can is much more difficult than it looks… but hilarity will ensue

5.      Jello wrestling is fun and life enriching, just make sure you don’t get a little over excited and cause yourself or your friend bodily harm.

6.      Don’t try to act cool at parties, do what you want and be yourself unless of course that means going over to a random girl and shoving your hand down her pants… we don’t like that.

7.      Just because you don’t feel it that night doesn’t mean you aren’t gonna feel that shit the next morning, so you should enjoy the “not feeling it part” for as long as you can.

8.      Don’t take yourself so seriously when you are at a party… the next morning after seeing the pictures you won’t anyway.

Bonus geography lesson: Canada is like the loft above a real great party… Mexico is the basement where you buy drugs. Looky there this blog is getting educational.

So there you have it, we went hard and are ready for a week of hell. I hope you enjoy these and spread the word. Also if you wish we now have a Facebook page which can be found below.